16-BiT Sadist takes on Call of Duty 4 for Xbox 360, PS3

Gamer.Blorge.com is excited to welcome a new columnist on board: the 16-Bit Sadist.  16-Bit will tear into a popular video game title each week, aiming to bring sharp insight into the shortcomings and flaws of modern gaming.  This week, 16-Bit will break down the outrageously popular multiplayer title Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. 

Is it just me, or are the heads of gamers everywhere so far up Infinity Ward’s ass that no one seems to realize how blatantly unrealistic Call of Duty 4 is?  Somebody, please — enlighten me.

First, since when do you have to point your gun 3 or 4 feet to the left or right of a running enemy to make sure your opponent eats lead?  I’ve never seen anything like it.  Leading someone by a few feet with a sniper rifle makes sense…maybe the blokes at Infinity Ward started out programming ranges for sniper rifles, took a lunch break for beers and shots, and decided every bloody gun should never be aimed directly at the bastard you’re trying to off — that makes sense. 

While we’re on the topic of game developers screwing up the realism of things, how ass-backwards is the way that 9 out of 10 times, when aiming down on your target, you’re more likely to  catch a well-placed heavy machine gun round hip-fired from some douche sprinting at full speed across the map, jumping and crouching around like he’s fighting against the effects of strong muscle relaxers, than kill him?

Isn’t the entire point of using the sights so you can get an edge on all the bloody fools who treat Call of Duty 4 like Unreal Tournament or some other mindless game designed for 12 year-olds all hyped up on Kool-Aid and Sweet Tarts?  News flash: that game already exists. It is called Halo 3.  

And please tell me why all the elite armies from around the world can’t manage to train a single damned soldier to use a knife?  Obviously, if I wanted to put a shell into the back of someone’s head who is too brain dead to check his surroundings from time to time, I would.  As it stands, Infinity Ward has provided me with a knife that is designed for that precise flavor of humiliation.

What you didn’t know before trying to carve up the unwitting Brit in front you is that your character is actually a male ex-ballerina, who can only stab someone by leaping forward with a rather dandy-like prance.  The best part is that half the time, your ballet shennanigans make you completely miss your target.  The Brit, who is only trying to do the sporting thing of actually sighting in on his foe, obviously becomes aware of your attempt at stabbing him, because moving a Bowie knife through the air makes the rather obvious sound of steel striking a rough whet stone.  

In the time it takes you to realize you’ve missed him, prance back to your original location, and prepare for another lunge, the Brit has enough time to light up a smoke, curse America’s founding fathers, and whip out his own blade and slice you across your chest.  You certainly humiliated him.  Maybe Halo had something going with just straight up torching your enemy and then rubbing your crotch in his face in a rather ungainly crouching motion.  Then again, how lame is it that Master Chief has a soft spot on the back of his head that you only have to bump firmly if you want to kill him.  Don’t worry Bungie, your uppance will come….

There isn’t an ounce of balance in the game; the weapons don’t reflect the power of their real life counterparts.  You’re more likely to die from a stray 9mm pistol round to the thigh than you are to die when a .50 cal sniper rifle bullet pegs you in the shoulder; sure, in real life, you wouldn’t even have a shoulder left, but showing that would be too realistic.  Juggernauts in modern day armies are immune to ammunition that puts holes in the sides of tanks.  

Helicopter pilots can see through walls and shoot you more effectively than Neo can stop bullets in their tracks in the Matrix, but air strikes won’t hurt you if you’re standing in a shack straight out of a shanty town in Jamaica.  

While you’re doing your damndest to make the least realistic realistic shooter, why not get more creative, eh Infinity Ward?  I think a great addition to the game would be a legitimate assassin class; you move quicker, jump higher, and blend in better than all the other classes (a damned sight better than those ridiculous ghilly suits that make you stick out worse than an emo kid at a yacht club).  You don’t get guns.  Instead, you get a katana, a few throwing knifes, and definitely one of the sweet sleeve-mounted assassination knives like the bloke in Assassin’s Creed has.  

Sure, it’s a bit far-fetched, but at least then you get your ultimate humiliation character, and you won’t have to stay up at nights wondering how far away from your enemy you’ll have to aim to riddle him with bullets.  

You know, now that I think about it, I’m having a harder time choosing between giving up on Call of Duty 4 for either long nights of subjecting my eardrums to the pre-pubescent squeals of 12 year-olds on Halo 3 or buying a bottle of something strong so that the knife-wielding dandies prancing around the levels picking off baddies at 100 yards with Rambo-style heavy machine gun rounds aren’t as painful to swallow. 

Want to have your game reviewed on GAMER.BLORGE.com?  Contact the editor at newsdesk@blorge.com  

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