If you received a PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii for Christmas…

It’s Christmas, as I’m sure you’re well aware, even if you’re of a religion other than Christian. Which most of the regular readers clearly are as they worship at the altar of either the PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii. And Christmas means they’ll be lots of people waking up tomorrow as new console owners, whichever flavor they’ve opted to go for.

This is an article especially for those new owners, with some light-hearted advice for getting started with their console of choice. Please, don’t take the advice seriously, have a laugh and then get on with enjoying whichever console you’ve been blessed with.

If you received a PS3 for Christmas…

First of all celebrate the fact that someone loves you enough to have spent so much money on buying you the most expensive games console this side of Timbuktu. Also congratulate yourself on having written to Santa asking for the most powerful console currently available, even if that power isn’t fully being utilized yet.

After hooking your shiny new Playstation 3 up to your TV (which i hope is HD capable of 1080p), switch it on and be utterly underwhelmed by the XMB. Hook it up to the Internet and download the latest Firmware update available, not that you’ll have much choice in the matter.

Sample a Blu-ray movie, then sample an upscaled DVD and realize there’s very little difference. And then play whichever game you got with the console and hope it isn’t one of the many crap games available for the console. Once bored, set yourself up on Playstation Home and then get bored once again when you realize there’s very little to do and what there is requires a lot of queuing.

If you received an Xbox 360 for Christmas…

First of all check which model you’ve been bought. If it’s the Arcade pack then start crying immediately. Your experience is forever going to be tempered by what’s lacking in the package. Once the tears have dried, set your console up and raise your eyebrows at how clunky and childish the controller looks.

Break out a Blu-ray movie and then realize your Xbox 360 can’t play the format due to Microsoft continually ignoring calls to support it. Then play the game you got bought with the console, likely to be either Halo 3 or Gears of War 2 or another game with an increasingly large number next to it.

Be impressed by the quality of gaming before venturing online to see whether Xbox Live is all it’s cracked up to be. Then realize that it isn’t free and break out the credit card in order to play against other people. And immediately regret your decision when you not only get your ass kicked but your ego bruised by endless calls of “noob”.

If you received a Wii for Christmas…

Attack the person who bought it for you. They’re clearly tight with money and know nothing about gaming… only kidding of course. But you may be regretting your decision of console to ask for in a few hours time when the novelty value wears off.

Set the console up, which is easy as it’s last-gen and not HD compatible. Then position your motion sensor bar so it can capture your movements. Don’t worry too much because it’s not exactly accurate anyway.

Create your Wii Mii to look like you, which it won’t unless you’ve got a head shaped like a lollipop. Then play Wii Sports and be amazed at the fact that you get the same level of response whether you’re sitting on the sofa slightly wafting your hand or standing waving the Wii Remote round like a complete loon.

Whichever console you receive, have a great Christmas and keep your browsers pointed towards Gamer.Blorge all through 2009 for news, reviews and some always heated debates.

• My Christmas experience with the PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii
• Holiday Season fighting words: Microsoft says Xbox 360 will rule Christmas
• PS3 sales slump over Christmas – Wii and Xbox 360 rise
• PSP 2 here by Christmas – any chance against the DSi & iPhone?
• UK Retailer predicts biggest Christmas ever for PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii